Ignatius: The Ultimate Youth Pastor

This video is funny on so many levels. I laughed out loud a few times. Watch the whole thing. It lags in spots but there are some funny moments that surprise you.

Aside: I only wish they had not done the "wrap up" stuff. I don't know why so many things aimed at the church feel the need to tell us why things are funny. I think Christians are sometimes afraid of humor. It's like we almost apologize for the humor by making sure we explain the "real reason" we produce something. Let the funny be! We aren't dumb. We get what you are trying to do. We get satire. We get irony. We get sarcasm. Don't turn every funny video into a sermon. Let the funny speak for itself.

The Target (The Cue Philosophy Part IV)

It has been a popular practice in churches over the past decade or so to take a cue from the business world and clearly define their “target audience.” This language is somewhat unpalatable to us though we certainly understand why many think it is important. Bottom line, churches who define target audiences are usually asking questions about who they are catering to, who is in their neighborhood, and how they should tailor their programs and messages to meet the particular needs of that group. In many ways, this is how businesses approach sales. Is my community interested in my product? How much are they willing to pay? How can I surface their need to buy? What are their particular needs and how can my product meet that need . . . so they buy it?

At Westwinds, in relation to programs and The Cue, our approach is different in more ways than it is similar. We certainly would agree it is unwise to believe one model or device that works well in one demographic would work as well in another. For instance, drama may work just fine in South Barrington but may be a miserable failure in South Beach. However, instead of asking, “who is our target audience?” we ask a different question based on who we are, our personalities and culture, our backgrounds, and the kind of bona fide creativity and thought patterns that flow from within. We ask, “who will most likely be attracted to Westwinds?”

The religious disenfranchised, the spiritually curious, the artist and the intellectual will most likely be attracted to Westwinds. That is who we are. It is safe to say many are thriving in our environment who would not readily place themselves in that category but, such is life. We are attracted to what we are attracted to. We celebrate this.

A Closer Look (The Cue Philosophy Part III)

The Cue exists to . . .

. . . create an original, unsullied, experience-rich, multi-layered environment
where we increase the occurrence of people interacting
with God, his Word, his truth, his people,
and face their barriers that interrupt and antagonize the life Jesus invites.

(Generally, we get a little queasy with mission statements because we are not very linear. We can't even draw a straight line. That's why "mission statements" are usually long at the Winds. It's our rebellion against the conventional "make your mission statement fit on a t-shirt" wisdom.)

The only non-negotiable element in the whole Cue experience is God’s Word as the living, enlightening torrent of truth that must be present every Cue. Other than that one item, everything else is negotiable.

This philosophy of The Cue means we can design the experience around any elements that are excellent and connect into biblical themes we feel are current needs or culturally vital.

The role of symbol, metaphor and image are integral in designing The Cue. While not an absolute mandate, for each Cue series design we desire to “speak” through a central (or multiple) image, metaphor, or symbol in order to lastingly influence people’s hearts, minds and emotions with the big picture—just as Jesus did with the parables.

At Westwinds, we will design The Cue in ways that have never been implemented in the traditional church, even though innovation—in and of itself—is not the goal.

Here is a list of element options that begin to get at the possibilities…

poetic readings
disembodied readings
video confession
cyber-confessionals
unconventional aesthetics
message/talking head
spiritual journey stories
messages with a soundtrack
screen poetry/prayer
static and dynamic art (installed and created on spot)
scribing
mediation times (with a combination of screen/music)
movie clips
twitter (on screens in a variety of ways)
man on the street interviews
interactives (this alone requires an entire treatment—participatory, hands-on elements)
music (congregational/feature)
live interview on stage
baptism (in a variety of stagings)
communion (in a variety of stagings)
paneled discussion
group discussion and Q & A
computer terminal testimonies
computer terminal for Q & A
video or phone link ups
surfing websites live for illustrative material
use search engines to generate statistics or illustrative material live.
total facility usage
total site usage
art installation

Finally, the argument over the use of secular music, movies, and art in church is a non-issue for us. We firmly believe in the much used statement, “all truth is God’s truth.” All art—secular and otherwise (though we resist such delineation)— has the potential to illuminate, bolster, and augment the truth of God’s Word as well as creating dialogue. This is a method of teaching and sharing that is not new to us but is prevalent in scripture and was used by Jesus, the Apostle Paul and many others.

Furthermore, since art is not worship but rather, is a vehicle through which we may worship or reflect or respond to God, we should not have an opportunity to confuse motive for using such art. If a song is “performed” in The Cue space, it should never be suspect as “non-worshipful.” His truth permeates art and culture and often times secular art is a more applicable and honest statement that can be used to surface a need to know, create discussion, set a mood, present a situation, resonate with a person’s current circumstances, cause us to question, answer a question, provoke thought, and move a heart.

A Word About Popular Methodologies (The Cue Philosophy Part II)

A Word About Popular Methodologies

Moving forward. Asking questions. Dialogue. Facing hang-ups. Belonging before believing. Deconstructing religious (and not necessarily biblical) language and ruts. Understanding and being able to recognize beauty. Falling headlong into a Jesus love affair. These are all celebrated at The Cue. The Cue is an invitation to dialogue as much as it is a venue to respond—both live simultaneously and symbiotically. We are okay with tension and do not feel a need to “seal the deal” at the end of each 65 minute gathering.

The word “seeker” made it’s way into the church lexicon in the last 15 years in no small part due to the great work of Willow Creek Church in South Barrington, Illinois. Since that time, what it means to design a “seeker service” has developed into a cornucopia of definitions—all that come with their own variety of criticism from different groups as Christians continue to waste time on the wrong battlefields and argue about methodology as a whole as opposed to examining their own communities and developing their own personality and authentic responses (we digress).

“Seekers” or not-yet believers or spiritually curious people come in all shapes and sizes. Therefore, if seeker services are the goal, the immediate question becomes, “which seeker?” While we celebrate some of that early thinking regarding seeker services, our goal is not to design a seeker service of any variety.

Similarly, our goal is not to create an environment that separates believers from not-yet believers, waters down theology to make it more palatable, or caters to bottom-shelf or universalist spirituality. We believe Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life—our only way to Father God. Our goal is not “worship evangelism” in the sense that we want people to see what we model and become like us. The people in The Cue are not our “projects.” They are human beings, designed by their creator to worship Him. We want them to know Him. We want to know Him more.

Westwinds often finds itself on the frontline of creative churches and often talked about in the mainstream media as well as the blogosphere in large part because of The Cue.

Getting to this place has been a long road of fostering a community that values imagination, permission, authenticity, and community. It’s been a repetitive dialogue wherein we invite one another to collectively craft ways to make church not suck for our friends.

The Cue and all of Westwinds’ methodology is not an attempt at being “relevant” which is usually ghettoized to mean “look and speak cool.” It’s about incarnation and a particular offense to mediocrity.

More than that, it’s a deep rooted belief that God has called us to act upon the stuff in our heads. The thirst for the sacred, the mysteries of God, the magic of the sacraments, the otherworldliness of corporate worship, the tears spent on broken people—they call us to act. We act by creating. By making stuff. We incarnate our thoughts into visual art and music and poetry and film. Projects, proposals and petitions. Moments and movements. The Cue is a main venue for this creativity.

Aggregates and Gateways (The Cue philosophy Part I)

Often times, we are asked about our philosophy of ministry when it comes to The Cue—our weekend gathering at Westwinds. For those who are new to church, the atmosphere may not be what they expected but they are usually pleasantly surprised. For those who grew up in a traditional evangelical or mainline denomination, the atmosphere is familiar in some ways and titanically different and in some case opposed to what they are used to.

At The Cue, our aim is to facilitate an environment—celebratory, liberating, engaging, full of hope and expectation, affirming, restoring, free of distractions, thought provoking, and reflective—where individuals can meet with God (though it will not always be all of those things at once). Our goal is not to get people to worship corporately. Though certainly, that happens in our environment. We cannot manipulate it if we tried by nature of worship being an act of an individual’s own will. We can influence and create space conducive for it.

Verbiage such as, “let’s begin our time of worship” though not inappropriate has led people to defining worship in a narrow and localized way. Language like this leads people to believe worship is an act associated with being in a “worship service” or at a church building. Unfortunately, this has also been perpetuated by the naming and designation of “praise and worship” music. In many cases, the corporate time of worship is gauged solely by the music and the music is often referred to as the “worship.”

But worship—biblically speaking—is a responsive way of living. It is more fabric and global than simply an act or strictly about music or any interactive vehicle we may design. Typically, church nomenclature has minimized and contextualized worship into acts largely revolving around music as well as other acts within the “worship service.”

Furthermore, our desire is to create an environment that has multiple layers that emerge and connect. We want some overlap at the seams of the layers so The Cue feels congruent, but enough independence to the layers that there are multiple themes people can grab (not inert ideas and exercises).

So then, as opposed to many models of corporate church gatherings, our goal is not simply one clear theme we are trying to drive home. A video for a story of a spiritual journey, a Top 40 song, or aesthetic design may or may not bring about a dovetailed thematic link but the experience, fresh perspective, and collision with authentic life experience(s) make it all legitimate.

It is a time of aggregates and gateways.

The Cue

For the past few months, Westwinds has been retooling of all our naming conventions—a rebranding from top to bottom. Our titles, programs, facilities . . . everything was put on the table. Up for grabs. Nothing sacred.

Some of our old names and titles were difficult, wrapped in metaphors that were helpful when explaining methodology but not helpful in quick conversation. Case in point: “Coriolis” is the name of our leadership team. A wonderful metaphor taken from the Coriolis Effect, which creates movement (wind) with the uneven heating of the earth. Sounds awesome until I say, “Hi, I’m John Voelz, the Coriolis: Experience of Westwinds. Looks great on paper. Mysterious. Fun. But, a mouthful to say and in need of an explanation. So . . . we are changing it.

Some of our names were old, outdated, used, tired, boring. They were fresh once upon a time but after they were used by hundreds of youth groups and turned into names of soft drinks, they no longer felt special. Some of them screamed, "welcome to 1989." Such is the case with, “Fusion” –our weekend gathering.

The new name for our weekend gathering will be . . . The Cue.

In theatre, a CUE is a familiar term. Whether it’s a warning, a standby, or a go, the CUE tells us what happens next.

In music theory, a CUE is a guideline for instrumentation. It’s the “who plays what where” part of music. It can be a mark for improvisation of a specific instrument.

In the game of billiards, the CUE is what puts the game into motion. It’s the cue stick and cue ball that guide each ball into the pocket.

In motion picture film prints, the CUE marks a point on the reel when the film is ending and it is time to switch to a new reel to continue the projection.

In personal fitness, a CUE is a message given by a group fitness instructor to inform participants of upcoming sequences, such as a change in stretching direction, etc.

In technology, a CUE or show control is the linking together and operation of multiple systems in coordination with one another. An example of CUE or show control would be linking a video segment with a number of lighting cues, or having a sound track trigger animatronic movements -- or all of these combined.

In computing, a CUE (cue sheet, or cue file) is a metadata file which describes how the tracks of a CD or DVD are laid out. Cue sheets have a ".cue" filename extension. For an audio CD, a cue sheet specifies titles and performers for the disc and its tracks as well as the names of one or more audio files to be used (MP3, WAV, etc.).

At Westwinds, The Cue is not unlike all these things.

At The Cue (in The Cue?) we talk about new things, what’s next, where God is leading, and we fund dreams to shadow God in the redemption of the world. We listen to God and his word and we ask Him, “What next?” When we leave The Cue, we enter a world of possibilities. For the spiritually curious, the religious disenfranchised, the artist, the intellectual, and everyone in between—The Cue is a place to begin and a place to belong for your entire spiritual quest.

At The Cue, we are encouraged to find our part. Our special part. Sometimes, we play along as an orchestra, all parts scored. Sometimes, it’s our turn to break out in the solo—still in perfect harmony with the score but with our own feel, vibrato, style, and originality. As God made us—for His purpose.

The Cue is a place to go out from. In many ways, it sets things in motion. We gather. We disperse. We love on the world. We love on each other. We do something for the kingdom. It’s not just a place we go . . . to.

The Cue is about change. Originality. Authenticity. New life. Breath. Creation. Beauty. Seasons. We talk about where we’ve been and we talk about what the new season looks like. It’s a marker for us. Through series’, scripture, and seasons, one reel moves in to the next. We don’t just observe the movie. We are the movie.

The Cue is a place to check our spiritual health. To check our pulse. To stretch. To nurture. To learn new moves and routines. To learn how to create new healthy habits. To listen. To move. To tone. To feel the burn.

The Cue is about synchronization. The same page. Multi-sensory followership. Responding to God in worship with all that we are—heart, mind, soul, emotions, will, intellect, attitude, finances, body, habits.

And, The Cue is a place to be with everyone else who contributes a track to the playlist. We are the soundtrack. You are the soundtrack. The only difference is, these files are constantly being rewritten, remixed, reproduced, fine tuned, and rearranged. It’s a living soundtrack.

Welcome to The Cue.

Yard Sale People

We had a yard sale today. Everyone in the neighborhood was having one so we got involved (though I usually don’t care to jump on that bandwagon). The impetus for us is trying to raise money for some things we need for our sabbatical. For the last few nights, we spent 2 hours a night getting stuff together—up from the basement, out of the closets, etc.

We took turns as the garage cashier and lookout person. During my turn, I drank about 4 Coke Zeros and read my graphic novel, “The Watchmen.”

My greatest thrill of the day was people watching. Here are a few of the characters I met today.

Impatient Snotty Old Lady
The yard sale didn’t officially start until 9:00 but this lady (and a few others) smelled the scent of the treasure in my garage beyond the closed door at about 7:45. When I opened the door to start getting organized, they pounced. Snotty Old Lady pushed her way into the garage.

“Ma’am, if you don’t mind, it will take me a few minutes to move things out so it’s not dangerous and disorganized.” She insisted she needed to look and would stay out of my way. She started moving things from one table to another. “Ma’am, I’d really appreciate it if you could . . .”

SMASH! CRASH! CA-CHING!

In this moment, I wished I wasn’t a pastor in a small town where everyone knows one another and is most likely related. I couldn’t say what I wanted to say. Thankfully, my wife said some of those things for me. Snotty Old Lady (SOL for short) destroyed a brand new platter ($40 value but we were only asking 5 bucks). And, she made a mess.

Her final words: “Well, if that’s how things are, I guess I’ll be leaving.”

Scanner Lady
This lady was early too but she was cool. And, she had a cool little scanner with her. She went through every one of our books, scanned the UPC, and told us the price she was willing to pay for them. I was so intrigued by her scanner. It was like the Kelley Blue Book of Yard Sale merchandising. We were priced well. Except for one book. She gave it back when I told her I wouldn’t change the price. I don’t barter before the sale starts.

Cookbook Man
Before I tell you about this guy, I need to say he had some special needs. It was obvious. So, I’m not making fun of him. He was rather endearing and made me smile.

This tall, skinny gentleman went rummaging through my oldest daughter’s old Teen Vogue magazines and a few others while he laughed out loud and kept saying, “oh my gosh, oh my gosh, these are great prices on these cookbooks.” I smiled at him and told him kindly they were teenage girl magazines. He insisted they were cookbooks.

He took the whole box to his caregiver who had just broken a set of salt and pepper shakers (which she insisted on paying for unlike SOL). She told him to put them back, they were NOT cookbooks and he couldn’t have them.

He was sad the rest of the time. Until she bought him a VHS copy of Men in Black and Overboard with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.

Puppy Lady
Her truck pulled up to the house and her teenage daughter yelled, “Can we let the puppy out?” I had my 10-pound Maltese on a leash beside me so it only seemed fair. Maybe they could play together.

Out of the truck lunged a 100-pound slobbery hound of some kind with a whipping tail and . . . no leash. He ran in and out of everything in the garage and the whole yard while they kept yelling, “No! Be good!” and then laughed.

My dog barked, spilled his water, and then peed.

Tool Guy
This guy was about 175. He didn’t want to buy my tools; he just wanted to talk about them. And the stuff he makes. He stayed for about 15 minutes to talk shop. Furniture, blade styles, projects, we talked about them all. Then he left and bought nothing. But, I felt better for having met him.

Lot of fuss over Nothing Lady
This lady grabbed as much stuff as her arms could hold, cussed at her kids for almost making her drop it and then showed it to her husband who she couldn’t buy anything. They argued for a bit and she put it all back . . . kinda.

Potty Boy
This kid came with his grandma. He danced the potty dance for a bit and then she asked me the question I knew was coming. “Can we use your bathroom?” “Of course,” I said. She took junior in to pee. He didn’t come out for 20 minutes. Not a good sign.

Insult Me and My Church Guy
This guy used to go to my church, before I was hired there. He told me what he didn’t like about it. Before I was there. He told me there were too many changes. Before I was there. Sensing the theme? Doesn’t matter when he was there or what he didn’t like before, however. I know he would hate everything about my church even now. Because, I think that’s who he is. He didn’t sound like he liked much of anything. Anywhere.

Looking for Gaither CD’s Ladies
I kid you not. 3 different ladies. Hours apart. Came looking only for Gaither CD’s. What?

Angry Sleeveless Harley Shirt CD Guy
He bought about 20 old worship music CD’s from me which was funny because the whole time he was here he talked to his wife like she was an idiot. At one point the wife asked, “Honey, do you know which CD’s I might like?” He replied, “I don’t think you know what you want at all.” Classy.

Dad with Sit N Spin Daughter
His wife was going to all the other sales on my block so he decided it would be best to stay at my sale and let his daughter play with all the toys. She especially liked the musical Sit N Spin. So, for 45 minutes, she spun in circles and pushed the button that played, “Pop Goes the Weasel.” Then they left as she screamed because Dad didn’t want to buy her the $2.00 Sit N Spin.

His last words: “That thing would annoy us all day long.”

Oh, really?

Best Practices Rag

David and I are working on a "Best Practices" rag/short magazine that we will make available to those interested in conversations about incarnation and how things play out at the Winds. David is doing all the layout, our staff has contributed, David and I are both weighing in heavily to the content and I just finished the intro that sets it up. Stay tuned for more. To give you an idea of the content and what to expect, here's the intro:

We’re not gonna lie to you. We believe Westwinds is something pretty special. An anomaly in the greatest sense of the word. Something incongruent with most of our collective church experiences.

The story of “how” it all came to be is one of intrigue, suspense, scandal, bewilderment, blessing, and some sort of spiritual ecstasy. Some would say that not too many years ago the planets aligned and something magical descended upon Jackson, MI. Some say it’s good breeding. Others have told fanciful tales of unicorns and wildebeests.

The legends and oral traditions are many that explain why Westwinds often finds itself on the frontline of creative churches and often talked about in the mainstream media as well as the blogosphere.

Honestly, all fun aside, it’s been a long road of fostering a community that values imagination, permission, authenticity, and community. It’s been a repetitive dialogue wherein we invite one another to collectively craft ways to make church not suck for our friends. It’s not an attempt at being “relevant” which is usually ghettoized to mean “look and speak cool.” It’s about incarnation and a particular offense to mediocrity.

More than that, it’s a deep rooted belief that God has called us to act upon the stuff in our heads. The thirst for the sacred, the mysteries of God, the magic of the sacraments, the otherworldliness of corporate worship, the tears spent on broken people—they call us to act. We act by creating. By making stuff. We incarnate our thoughts into visual art and music and poetry and film. Projects, proposals and petitions. Moments and movements.

This rag is not propagandist—there’s no agenda (other than the Jesus agenda). It is not our attempt at false humility (eyes closed, hands raised, “it’s not about us”). We believe God has allowed us to experience the greatest season of ministry ever—one pregnant with expectation that we haven’t even seen our best days yet. God has called a guy from California, a west-coast Canadian, some native born Midwesterners, a Mexican missionary, and a rag tag collection of people from all walks of life and Christian traditions to this place in southern Michigan—the home of Motown, Ted Nugent, Madonna, Eminem and Kid Rock for this time in history.

We are proud. We are excited. We want to share this stuff with you. Not so you can become like us (as if we have a corner on the market) but so that, maybe, by some chance, if you find yourself in a season of worship ruts and/or missional mediocrity you might be inspired. Or, if you find yourself saying, “Yes! Yes! That’s how I think!” you will know you have a friend.

God is worth it. People are worth it. Your specific people are worth it.

Time to Pay the Piper (My Response to John Piper's Blogpost on Twitter in Church)

Many of you have either sent me emails, called me, or twittered me and asked my response to John Piper’s post on Twittering in church. Piper’s post was actually a response to Josh Harris’ post in much the same vein. These posts are like a handful of others I have read in recent days like this one and this one.

I didn’t want to respond for a few reasons including (1) I think most of the arguments I am reading are dumb and assume many things about how we used Twitter without taking the time to do their homework (2) I don’t want to get into an argument over something so petty and (3) I respect Piper and Harris and don’t need a blog war.

And, true confession, I don’t know that I can reply without a bit of sarcasm.

Some of the blog posts and comments I have read post TIME article are not worth my time. Or your time.

But, since Josh linked to our TIME article I am going to respond since I have been thrown into the mix and, in some way, put under the microscope. If I'm honest, I feel my integrity as a pastor has been called into question in a small way. I guess I asked for this and should have expected it. Both of these men's opinions are widely read and you asked for my response. So please, John, Josh, all due respect and here we go . . .

This is long. You may want to fix a snack.

First off, for the record, I don’t care if Piper or anyone else starts to use Twitter in church or not. I love it, I use it, but I don’t have a Twitter mission. It was never about Twitter for Westwinds. So, I’m not offended—as far as Twitter is concerned anyway.

With that said, I believe the use of Twitter is highly contextual for the church. I wouldn’t propose a cover of a Flaming Lips song if I were asked to lead worship down the street at the Orthodox church. I wouldn’t push for the new Crowder tune at the Acappella Church of Christ. I wouldn’t push for a hot tub baptism at St. Joe’s Catholic Church. For Westwinds, the use of Twitter, among many other things, are appropriate for us but may not be for everyone. It is our culture. It is expected we will try different things. Some will fail. Some become part of us.

We believe Westwinds is something pretty special. An anomaly in the greatest sense of the word. Something incongruent with most of our collective church experiences. It’s been a long road of fostering a community that values imagination, permission, authenticity, and community. It’s not an attempt at being “relevant” which is usually ghettoized to mean “look and speak cool.” It’s about incarnation and a particular offense to mediocrity.

It’s a deep-rooted belief that God has called us to act upon the stuff in our heads. The thirst for the sacred, the mysteries of God, the magic of the sacraments, the otherworldliness of corporate worship, the tears spent on broken people—they call us to act. We act by creating. By making stuff. We incarnate our thoughts into visual art and music and poetry and film. Projects, proposals and petitions. Moments and movements.

And, in this case, occasionally Twittering in church.

There are probably 101 things we have done at Westwinds that would make many pastors raise an eyebrow and/or point a finger. That’s fine. God has given us leadership responsibility over a church of 1000 people in Jackson, MI. That church values creative engagement with the gospel and one another on the weekend. Those are the people I do life with.

I have two other major points of contention with Piper’s perspective (which is shared by a few others in the blogosphere). First, I believe he is making the use of Twitter an entirely theological argument when it should not be—it is methodological. And second, I believe his philosophy of what happens on the weekend is a bit antiquated, narrow, and unfortunately the stance that keeps many of my friends from ever stepping in to a church—including the Christian ones.

I agree with Piper when he says, “Preaching and hearing preaching are worship.” From there, we may agree and disagree on a handful of things when it comes to the “how” of preaching. Is it expository? Thematic? Systematic? Done in a series? With notes? Without notes? 30 minutes? 45? 15 with a break for music in-between? From NIV? King James? The Message? Sitting? Standing? On video? In person? Responsive readings?

The answer to all those things is . . . yes. And more.

(Honestly John, I think your whole electric cord thing is weird but it doesn’t mean we can’t have lunch together—and I hope we do some day.)

One would be hard pressed to find a strict biblical model of a 30-minute sermon preached while people sit in pews facing forward hanging on every word . . . uninterrupted.

Furthermore, I find it interesting that we want to make a case for uninterrupted preaching since it is “worship” but churches everywhere will interrupt their “worship music” this weekend with video, drama, and weak announcements. Double standard?

Some of these arguments are the same shallow arguments used over 20 years ago when we fought about Powerpoint and large screen projection.

Is it possible to preach the word of God and worship while inviting your whole congregation to comment and interact with you and others while preaching? Yes! Is it possible that is an act of worship for some? Yes! Is it possible someone will engage and be engaged better by use of this technology? Yes!

Is it for everyone? No. Is it possible it will distract? Yes.

So will bad preaching.

Is it possible to worship God without a 30 minute sermon at all on a Sunday? We better say yes or we have got a LOT of conversation ahead of us.

Piper also said, “Don’t tweet during sex” which made me laugh out loud. I know he’s being funny but even that comment is a bit narrow. Sex is not purely physical. Every woman will tell you sex begins in the morning. And, if that is true, my wife and I are guilty. We keep those twitters private though.

Bottom line, we need to stop arguing about things as if they were prescriptive for everyone. We waste a lot of time.

P.S. John, your book, “Desiring God: Meditations of a Christian Hedonist” is the first Christian book I ever read cover to cover. I was 19. It meant a lot to me. It’s partly responsible for this conversation.

Wearing Shorts: Rules for Men Over 35

It’s that time of year again. The time when people start wearing less clothing in public.

As an over 40 year-old man, I feel it is my duty to help my brothers with some of their questions about what is appropriate to wear. I feel I am also doing the ladies a favor. But, men don’t always listen to the ladies so I need to intervene.

Today’s lesson is on shorts. Specifically, a lesson on shorts for men over 35.

Take notes, men.

1. It is a privilege, not a right. It may not be a good idea for you at all. This is not always innate knowledge. Ask someone if you aren’t sure. If desperate, send me a picture. I will be honest.

2. No jeans shorts. Period. Not old. Not new. Not faded. Not acid washed. Not cutoff. No jeans.

3. No swim trunks unless you are actually going to be in the water soon. No walking around town in them unless you are doing that quick stop at CVC for sunblock. Even so, be careful.

4. No short shorts. Please. Do I have to list this? Anything shorter than mid-thigh is too short. If they are approximately boxer length, you need to be slapped.

5. No theme shorts. That’s Mickey, golf balls, Tabasco sauce, chili peppers, Stewie, Homer, smiley faces, etc. Do we seriously have to talk about this one?

6. No pleats. Unless you normally wear pleated pants on a daily basis (outside of what you are unfortunately required to wear at work). In which case, this list doesn’t really apply to you. There are a whole other set of rules you break regularly and I simply don’t have the time to help you.

7. No bright colors—especially pastels. Come on! You look like a walking Easter ad.

8. No bike shorts unless you are actually on a bike and working it. If you must wear these shorts because of your sport, you must have matching apparel. You must have the full gear. If you wear the shorts with a Mickey Mouse t-shirt, God’s Gym shirt, oversize GAP shirt, etc. you are breaking a huge rule. All or nothing with the bike shorts. P.S. your bike itself must also be worthy of the shorts. You cannot ride your wife’s Schwinn. You cannot have a basket attached.

9. No sports shorts unless you actually play that sport. Example: no baggy soccer shorts with your white socks. The only plus is that your bulbous knees are covered but you still can’t do it.

10. Speaking of socks . . . no. The only exception is if you are playing sports—while wearing them. This isn’t about socks, but some of you needed to hear that.

11. No mesh shorts. Just don’t do it.

12. No retro shorts of any kind. They are not “fun.” Especially no to the short terry cloth shorts with the white trim. They work for Charlie’s Angels. That’s all.

13. Be careful with the plaid. This is dangerous. Not forbidden but uncomfortably close. A good rule of thumb is this: if your wife says something like, “oh my gosh, those look soooo cute on you” they are not. Do not mistake this for your wife thinking you look hot. You do not. These shorts are not going to do for you what you think they might do.

14. No words across your butt. If these shorts are appealing to you, I will make you a pair that say, “IDIOT” and you can wear them with pride.

15. Baggy shorts might be okay but steer clear of anything that makes you look gangsta.

16. No tight shorts. We can already see your legs. We don’t need to know how much change is in your pocket or anything else.

17. Not so much a shorts rule but, if you tuck in your shirt with shorts, you give anyone permission to punch you in the neck.

18. No Hawaiian shorts. There are exceptions. The most notable is wearing them while in . . . Hawaii. Basically, there must be water involved. If you are walking into Starbucks wearing Hawaiian board shorts and a World’s Greatest Dad shirt, you give everyone permission to punch you in the ear hole.

19. Sweat shorts. Seriously? I have to school you on this? Shorts made of sweatpants material? And you, yeah you, the dork who cut off his sweatpants and made his own shorts . . . you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Have you ever kissed a girl?

20. Did I mention Jeans shorts?

21. No skate shorts. Unless you skate. And, probably only if your name is Tony Hawk. And, when I say skate, I mean on a board. Not on in-line skates or old-school roller skates.

22. Speedos are never appropriate unless you are
a. French or German
b. In Europe
c. Smoking
d. On a topless beach or at a Schwimmbad

23. Exceptions to some rules:
a. Men who are in incredible physical shape can bend some of the sports shorts rules.
b. Some rock stars can wear what they want—they make their own rules and can get away with more